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Part 1 – Family , Part 2 – Religious, Part 3 – Society
So I’ve told you a few tales of what it is like being a girl. I tried to pick stories that would be fairly common to most girls. I wanted to do this series so that we could take a closer look at the events in our lives that have had a hand in shaping us. These attitudes and actions had a profound affect on my life, it changed my course.
My first reaction to the realization of this change in course is anger. And that’s a right emotion for a time. It’s okay to be angry about injustice. In fact it is necessary. Without the acknowledgement of wrongs done against us we will never be able to move forward and really objectively evaluate the parts of ourselves that are still operating out of brokenness.
For example, my feminist tendencies in high school, were in large part born out of brokenness. I was confused about being a girl, I saw it as a negative thing, so I swung the other way. I was living in reaction. I would have declared at that time, I didn’t want to be married, I didn’t want children, and I would never be a pastor’s wife. These things may not be bad in of themselves, but for me I felt that way because other’s broken actions towards me.
When I examine the brokenness of my own life, how it was brought about by other’s brokenness, I am able to redefine my life. I am able to say with honesty I do want to be a wife. I do want to have children. Being a pastor’s wife would suit me just fine (still not really a life goal, but I’m open). I don’t have to view these things through the lens of my own bad experiences, I can view them objectively. I don’t have to live in reaction to my life, I can break the cycle.
While in the process of discovering this, I felt a huge relief. It was like both parts of my heart rejoined my body and I was entirely less conflicted. I could be a girl, I could want the things women want, those natural feelings didn’t have to conflict with my personality.
I also discovered that not all my personality is affected my this brokenness. My natural leadership ability is God given. My ability to comprehend, analyze and interpret is a gift to the body of Christ. Just because that is typically more male, doesn’t mean that I wasn’t supposed to be that way. Another sigh of relief.
I wanted to share this journey with you all, male, female alike. I see this same struggle around me with guys and girls. It comes back to the same agonizing aching question, Who was I made to be? Why am I like this? These are hard questions to answer, but it’s possible to really sort through all of it and find pieces of ourselves and put them back together. We can’t undo other’s actions, we can’t go back in time, but we can chose to live differently, to embrace living in wholeness, and reject the parts in which we still live like crippled people.
I’ve loved all of your feedback and commentary. I am so encouraged by it. Sorry this has taken so long to get out, each of these segments have taken an hour or so to write.
Love you all
Two down, one to go. So now I’m going to talk about some of the societal affects of growing up as a girl.
Constant Leering
I don’t know how you all feel about this, but for I feel incredibly degraded by random strangers comments. I don’t dress in a way that should provoke such comments but yet they seem to occur regularly. Apparently driving with your windows down always is some sort of unspoken invitation to make rude and suggestive comments. I’m always at a loss about what to say in these situations. I often give a blank look, sometimes followed up by an eye roll. On occasion I have been so mad that I have done things I’m not proud of (insert your own language/hand gesture).
One time I was in bumper to bumper traffic for nearly and hour. A huge van pulls up next to me and the guy leans out the window and says, “Wherever you’re going is where I’m going.” How cute, this one wants to follow me to the ends of the earth and he’s only seen me inching along this highway for 30 minutes. That’s a commitment. He proceeded to follow me and yell really disgusting things to me for the rest of the drive. I was so freaked out by his general aggressiveness and his graphic nature I nearly called the police. But thankfully I was on my way to meet my father some where and I lost him right before reaching the destination.
Outright Hatred
Another instance that stands out… My father and I were in a car parts store waiting to pick up some part in a short line. The guy in front of us is chewing out the clerk. And when I say chewing out I mean it was the most vicious public scene I have ever witnessed. The man was literally screaming and spitting obscenities. He turned bright read and the cashier was very near having a breakdown. I was pretty young and I remember holding tightly to my fathers hand and just crying, because his words really stung me, and he wasn’t even directing them in my direction. At one point that man asked for the manger’s name. The clerk replied “rosie”. And so ensued a 15 minute tirade on the worthlessness of women at a near deafening volume. I stopped crying and I got angry, so angry I was close to tapping this man on the shoulder and freaking out (as like a 12 year old). I remember my father literally grabbed me and said something like, “We should stay quiet. He could really hurt someone.” I’m glad he caught me cause I’m fairly confident someone would have been maimed. It is one of the few time I’ve seen my father afraid of getting hurt.
More recently I was standing in line at our lovely DMV. I was with a guy friend who was getting his American license. So we’re standing in a really long line and this young big guy begins so call out to the DMV lady, “Hey B@tch, think you can move it along.” I think I probably double blinked because I was so shocked someone would say that in a public place. I rolled my eyes in disgust. He said it again. And again. And again. At this point I am totally pissed and completely horrified that no one from the DMV is doing anything. In fact two women customers in front of him (having no relationship to him) are laughing hysterically every-time he yells out. I don’t know if they were nervous or if they thought he was cute (which he was not). But I was horrified. So on the fifth time he yells out to the DMV lady I had had enough. I raised my voice and said, “Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir. Could you not use that word any longer?” The guy I’m with has a terrified look on his face. The big guy turns around and says, “what?” I said “Don’t use that word any longer. Not only is it degrading to her, but’s it degrading to everyone of us standing here in line.” Now I’m beginning to sweat, because he’s clearly turning red and he clearly didn’t expect to be called on his behavior. He then asked me if there were any other words that I would like him to stop using. I replied that I think I had covered it for now. He then turned around and meekly called the DMV lady a wh@re. But he only did it once and then he shut himself up. side note: he was also unable to get his license that day because he did not have the proper paperwork. As he left (totally pissed) I looked him right in the eye and gave him a huge smile. The other women in line thanked me afterwards.
Society plays a huge roll in how all of us veiw ourselves. It changes how we dress, how we act, and our value system. The constant leering always reminds me that I’m being viewed as an object, as a peice of meat to be admired. I’m being rated, being judged, being undressed. I am only worth the reaction I can raise out of you. Yet I’m expected to not respond. I’m expected to ignore the full body look over, like I’m not even there. I notice it. It doesn’t just happen with strangers. it happens with people I know. That’s hard for girls. It’s unfair, and it is degrading.
I’m expected to listen to men call women b@tches and wh@res. I’m supoosed to giggle and laugh, or swallow my pride and say nothing. No more. I’m done ignoring blantant hatred. I’m going to speak up, I’ve worked hard to gain back a right view of myself, I refuse to have to play back your hatred like an audio tape in my head.
So now all we have let is a summary and perspective of these three parts. I expect that to be rolling out sometime this weekend or early next week.
So we’ve already discussed how misogyny in our family of origin really does affect girls growing up. Even when it is subtle. So now let’s talk about what it’s like for girls growing up in the church/religious context.
I should start by saying that every church is different and every church is developing at different rates. My experience is not everyone’s. It’s just mine, and like I said in part 1 I’m trapped behind my eyes. I only have my perspective.
First some history:
I began in my faith as a child in a large reformed church in Oak Brook Il. It was a great church, extremely conservative, but a really fabulous beginning as they had excellent children’s programs. When I was older I went to a very large Assemblies of God church in Naperville IL. It is also a really great church. Great youth programs; great worship in said youth programs, gaggles of activities and this is where I first became familiar with theological study. We would spend all summer in programs studying and reading (my freshman year I read Ravenhill, Packer, Pratney and a host of others). I mean I’m sure other kids would remember the go carting, the amusement parks, the retreats, the service days (my group got to clean my youth pastor’s car and house); but if you know me you would know that I really only remember the reading and memorization. At any rate now that I’m thinking about it I actually don’t remember anyone really treating me like a girl – in the negative sense. Maybe I didn’t notice, maybe I really wasn’t involved enough to know. Either way; there is nothing tangible to me in the aforementioned church history.
So now you are thinking okay… church history isn’t really anything to speak of, what are the religious affects?
I went to private school. I wasn’t one of those private schoolers, as in ivy covered brick walls and plaid uniforms. I went to a poor christian middle school (graduating class of 7 students), with rundown classrooms (and incredibly poor curriculum, which I shall not name). My high school (graduating class of 150) was a little more “bricks covered with Ivy” and it had a lot better textbooks (like real ones). I received a fabulous education from this institution and am so grateful that I was able to attend. It was really challenging and because I was up to the challenge my education really opened doors for me.
All that being said both schools really challenged me as a girl apparently growing up in a man’s world.
I think the most obvious judgements came when talking about career goals. It was repeatedly told to us that the highest calling of a woman is being a mother. I actually don’t have a problem with this saying as it stands (by itself and in various contexts). However in the context of conversations about giftings, career options, life aspirations it sounds a lot like ”your best bet as a girl is to stay at home and be a mom. That’s all your worth, that was the sole reason you were placed on this planet.” In this context I would think that this is also condescending to mothers. To be honest this comment made me despise motherhood, it just felt like less than, and in my mind I was determined to avoid motherhood all costs. Clearly I was reacting, but this comment actually devalued me as a human being, I wouldn’t be able to articulate it at the time, but in retrospect that’s how I was feeling.
In my history class in HS we looked at an avaerage pay rate chart comparing male and female wages from all over the country. On average women make about 75% what men make in comparable fields and positions. We, as a class, were asked our opionions on the wage differences. The general consensus was that this was okay, mostly because women shouldn’t really be working anyway and in general they are not as qualified (exceptions were always made in the fields of teaching and nursing – how generous).
It was also emphasized repeatedly that we should’t ever be teaching the bible to men. Only to other women and children. This would be considered inappropriate and even distracting. The basic logic being that men wouldn’t be able to pay attention to a woman preaching because they would be too busy staring at her. Clearly they didn’t give themselves a lot of credit, and at that point, in those moments, I didn’t either.
Another moment that sticks out sorely is a speech a kid wrote in my senior class. It was about women in the military. I actually don’t have really firm opinions on this, but I was expecting some well though-out arguments, some good points, some decent rationalizations. I mean it was our senior year, we were like 18 years old, we could actually vote. Surely we’ll have some well informed opinions. Instead a twenty minute speech about how women shouldn’t be in the military because they likely to be raped and sexualized, and how guys can’t really concentrate with that level of temptation. I felt every eye in the classroom turn to me, they all knew I would have an issue with this. I remember being calm, and simply stating that we shouldn’t feel safe in a country with people operating/safeguarding large nuclear weapons who didn’t have enough self-control to keep their pants on. And perhaps the answer to this huge hurdle would not be to ban the women from duty but should in fact be some sort of training for men on how other humans should be treated; you know honor, respect, decency.
Being smart, being slightly liberal, and actually believing in equal rights (some of these kids mildly destested MLK) made me really unpopular. It also made into a femi-nazi. Some guys were really freaked out by me. At the time I would have said that made me proud. But if I were honest, really honest, I would say that it was actually scary and really lonely. It made me feel like I wasn’t being the “good girl”. If I was good at being a girl, I would be keeping my mouth shut, I would be nodding my head, I would be laughing appropriately, I would never show up a guy in class or challenge him. It made me feel like I couldn’t be a girl and view the world the way I was viewing it. I found myself wanting to be like the other girls, cute and docile, but I just couldn’t fit the mold. I decided if I couldn’t be that kind of girl I forget it altogether. Screw it.
The night of the senior “prom” (no dancing, so it was called a banquet – we all went out and danced downtown later that evening). I was walking back to my table in a killer sleek black dress. And one of the more popular guys grabbed my wrist and said “wait a minute.” I stood there a little confused as this whole table of guys looked up at me. He said, “turn around for us.” Confused, I turned around. They were all nodding and smirking, and he said, “I just didn’t know you could do ‘beautiful.’” I was so aggitated. It was a pretty degrading moment.
My faith based experiences have told me that you can’t be complex, you can’t be multi-faceted. You will just confuse people. You can’t be smart and beautiful. You can’t be opinionated and graceful. Something about my experience didn’t allow for the normal paradoxes of human personality.
So once again I found myself wanting to be a girl, but not measuring up, not being able to reconcile my personality with the common conservative christian expectations of a girl.
There were two ways to go, reject or conform. I have 3 pairs of combat boots that could tell you the path I chose.
Everyone is trapped. Everyone is stuck with the view behind their own eyeballs. I can only perceive life in this body, it is a permanent perspective. I will forever be a girl. My DNA reads that way.Today, in the world of equal rights “growing up girl” shouldn’t read thatdifferently, right? And when I say differently, I fully acknowledge natural differences within the sexes and appropriate reaction based on natural differences.
There is a subtlety to misogyny (the hatred of women). I’m using strong language. The hatred of women can be outright and blatant, but it can also be subtle and pervasive. More often then not, I find that it is shrouded in body language, tone, and political correctness, but even through all the masks, it peaks through.
It really does affect me, it really does sink in and even if I perceive it subconsciously, it does change me, even how I see myself.
The family construct really informs a child about who he/she should be. As children we are constantly observing and translating the relationships around us. We are absorbing information and making determinations about ourselves based on the information gathered. This is very subconscious and has far reaching consequences.
In my family, logic and reason are hailed above all other ways of perception. We’re smart, intuitive people. At a very young age we were taught to weigh ideas and really contemplate consequences and reactions based on action. It’s not like my family sat me down and taught us all this using a white board. But it is how life was modeled to us. On top of that nordic people (my last name is Anderson) are incredibly stoic. They are hard workers and carry little emotion about their lives or their thoughts.
When emotion was brought into a seemingly logical conversation you were immediately dismissed and all prior logic you laid out was thrown out with you. Bringing an emotion into a logical conversation was seen as a very “girl” thing to do. And being as I was often debating with the men in my family, I was instructed to not be so emotional – which translated subtly into – don’t be such a girl.
Consequently I over developed my logical/reasoning faculties and tried to stuff down the more emotional parts of me. I saw these parts of myself as a weakness and liability. My family also has a strong business ethic (which I love and value), but this was translated to me as a need to “man up”.
Again all of this was subtle, none of this was communicated clearly, all veiled in small side comments and looks and body language. I would have never even said that these things were bad at the time, in fact they seemed to be mostly strengths. But they festered and along with other factors (which will be explored later) they caused me to despise being a girl.
I never thought “gee I wish I were a man”. I never thought “I hate being a girl”. I generally found myself fighting back tears saying to myself “Kristen, stop being such a girl.” Often when flooded with emotions I would become confused and couldn’t understand what was happening, I would ask people around me, “Am I crazy?” Surely I couldn’t be sane and emotional at the same time. Often I would think to be most successful I should be strong, kick butt and don’t take crap from anyone. Never show emotion, never show weakness, be logical and be collected. Compartmentalize the crap out of everything. I grew up believing that these sensitive vulnerable parts of me were weaknesses to despise as opposed to a perspective that should be nurtured and cherished.
Like I said there are two other factors of “Growing Up Girl” that I will be exploring; Religious Affects and Social Affects. after we have explored these two factors I will have a summary post that will give some guidance and perspective.
I know, I know it’s been awhile. Things have heated up around here in terms of busyness and loss of sanity. Things at the bookstore are going really well. We are just exiting the post-onething slump (hooo-rahhh), and entering into some serious summer madness.
During the slump, I’ll admit I was getting pretty antsy. The challenge of running the bookstore has naturally waned as the team has really solidified and our processes have become increasingly effcient. I found myself in my dark little office annoyed at my own boredom (double gasp, bored? I know).
And then, just like it always happens, my dearly loved supervisor called me into his office and presented me with a new and added opportunity. So in the last two weeks I have changed offices and have added another job title on to my name. I now also direct the Forerunner Book portion of FMG. Robert Craig is leaving to spread the gospel to Cambodian children, specifically children coming out of the epidemic of human trafficking.
Side note: I love Robert. He has been a dear friend and confidant. When I took over the bookstore Robert was my “consultant”. For nearly a year he came into my office every week and let me cry, yell, or just sit in a stupor. He has calmest coolest exterior, and he’s a super smart guy. I (heart) Robert (and fam).
This has added a level of complexity and busyness to my life. It is just what I needed; a new challenge. Hopefully I’ll write some more tonight as the Lord has been doing some other things I’ve wanted to talk about. Right now I’m having a hard time focusing and being clear headed.
