David and I fight. We fight about big stuff and small stuff, I consider this a normal part of living with a person 24/7. The fighting isn’t constant but it is there.

For us the challenge hasn’t been the fighting itself, but learning how to fight well and fair.

A counselor had recommended a certain tool and both David and I have found it helpful and we have started recommending it for others. The other day I saw a couple was fighting in public and I wanted to hand them the format, only because they just weren’t getting anywhere.

So here is a typical fight (overly simplified) without the format:

I’m so angry at you.

Why?

When you said this, it made me so angry.

Well, I’m sorry for making you angry.  (insert eyeroll)

That’s not an apology. (insert slamming doors)

End Scene.

So here enters the format. Basically you start out by saying what event has triggered your feelings (a), then you describe how you interpreted that event (b), and then you describe what that interpretation led you to feel (c).

Talking Format (copyrighted by Pia Mellody, her book is next on my list to read and review)

(A) When I heard/saw you…

Example: When I saw you leave without saying goodbye…

(B) What I thought/perceived/made up about that is…

Example: What I made up about that was that you don’t really care about my feelings…

(C) And about that I feel… (share your emotions and if you struggle with that pick one of the below)

Example: And about that I feel fear and sadness.

ANGER

FEAR

JOY

PASSION

SHAME

PAIN

LOVE

GUILT

Basically with this format you are not allowed to say “you made me”. It eliminates the pointing of fingers and requires that each partner own’s their own feelings. The format also doesn’t require a half hearted apology from your partner, because you are completely owning all of your own thoughts and feelings your partner shouldn’t feel manipulated into an apology.

With the format:

When I saw that you left dishes in the sink I made up in my mind that you don’t care about the work I do around the house and about that I feel anger and pain.

Okay, I hear you. I apologize for leaving the dishes in the sink. I really do care about the work you do around the house. I was just in a hurry when I left.

End scene.

See how that is much more helpful? I think even the process of having to reformat our thoughts and feelings has been a huge help. It basically slows the argument way down and requires that we really trace our thoughts or feelings back to the source; that thought that we made up in our minds.

The format is not just limited to the married or dating, I use it with friends or at work.

The other thing that David and I have found to be helpful is taking 24 hour time outs. Basically when either of us feel an argument isn’t getting anywhere we call a time out and make an agreement to not talk about it for 24 hours. This is especially hard for me, I hate it when there are things unresolved. But after some space and time, we can have the same argument 24 hours later in about half the time and zero name calling. We can actually make progress and resolve the issue.

I figure, David and I will always have disagreements, I think success just means fighting well and in the process learning about each other and how to love each other better. Lord, help us.

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